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May 23rd

May 23rd Posted on May 23, 20172 Comments

May 23rd, 2016 was one of the most special but unsure days of my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday…
We woke up earlier then we needed. Our birth mom was being induced and we were told to show up at the hospital at 9am. We spent the morning quietly getting ready, eating breakfast, and thinking about what the day had in store for us. We packed a bag, his bag, and a car seat so we could spend the night at the hospital with the baby.
The hour drive to the hospital was strange. We didn’t talk much, we really didn’t know what to say. We didn’t want to get too excited, it was in the air, the unknown.
Nervous as hell, we parked the car, gathered our backpacks with things to do while we waited, and headed up to the maternity floor. We called in and when we said we were there for our birth mom, the nurse said no one was there with that name. Our birth mom didn’t show up…
I can’t even explain to you the kind of panic that instantly took over us. She didn’t show up. She led us up until this point and didn’t come in. On the verge of tears and a panic attack, we called our lawyer, asking what to do. She contacted the birth mom who said she had an appointment and was coming in later. So we waited.
An hour later she arrived with her stepdaughter and her friend. We said a warm hello and then she disappeared.
And we waited.
We got stir crazy, since the TV was stuck on Catfish on MTV (awful) and we had no idea what was going on. No one would tell us anything. We weren’t allowed in the room, we just had to sit and wait.
And then a social worker came to talk us. She was the first one to speak to us, so we were excited, until she started talking. She told us we didn’t have any rights, we technically shouldn’t be there, and we are not to talk to anyone.
There we were, terrified, an emotional wreck, and now uncomfortable with an abundance of uncertainty on our shoulders. I remember telling Steph I didn’t want to be there. Leading up to that moment, everything and everyone seemed so against us, against what we were trying to do. It was hard to face yet another uphill battle.
But I took a deep breath and tried to focus on other things. We took silly videos of us doing things. Ate gummies and drank our sodas while watching catfish.
And then the birth mom asked for us. From then on, it was a blur. Nurses didn’t speak to us, didn’t even acknowledge us, the staff was less then pleasant. I didn’t let that deter me. I fell back on my ability to talk and make people laugh. We spent the next hour with the birth mom talking about our lives, how sweaty I was, and her future plans. It was one of the first moments that I felt okay.
It didn’t take long once they induced her. Squirt was a week overdue and he was ready. We were pushed to the corner and told not to look down, I did just that. I watched our birth mom and mentally cheered her on. A few pushes and he was out.
I didn’t cry, I didn’t get emotional. I awkwardly clapped in the corner and cheered on our birth mom as she cried on the bed. Hand over her face, she cried, and cried a lot.
I couldn’t even imagine the emotions running through her, what she was thinking. They wrapped him up and handed him to our birth mom. I watched her coo over him, love on him, and talk to him quietly. My heart ached, seeing this mother and son together, knowing he’s not mine.
We were asked to give her time, so without saying hi to him, we left and went back to the waiting room where we sat in disbelief. We didn’t speak, we just stared at the wall while Catfish played in the background.
After what seemed like hours, our birth mom asked us to get her chicken fingers and then we could come say hi. We bought all the dips, all the fries, and all the chicken.
When we went back in the room, it was clean and quiet, baby in her arms. I was the first to hold him out of the two of us. The picture below is my first with him.
I kept thinking how cute he is, how small and tiny and precious he is, but my heart was detached because I knew he wasn’t mine.
That night, we were asked to leave the hospital. We drove an hour back to our hotel with no baby and the knowledge of knowing that the birth mom would be spending the next 48 hours with him by her side.
We called our parents and tried to talk about the positive things, about the funny things, and we tried not to talk about the elephant in the room: was she going to sign the papers?
When we were in bed, we looked at the pictures we took over and over again, silently hoping and praying that he was going to be ours…

2 comments

  1. This is amazing! Happy birthday 1st Birthday Squirt! You are a very lucky boy!
    Stephanie, please tell me Meghan has a blog with the adoption story that I can read! So amazing, honest and inspiring

    1. She doesn’t but for the next two days she will be posting about our hospital portion of the journey

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